Snow Day!

Phillip took this.
He's the only consistently early riser in our family.

For the first time since I moved here, we had snow at our elevation. Snow that STUCK. About two beautiful white fluffy inches of it.

Apparently, it was the first time in ten years that its snowed all the way down to sea level.

Phillip had the day off work, and we dropped any sort of schedule we keep to just enjoy the rarity of the snow.

We started out by putting on boots and coats while we were still in our pyjamas, before breakfast, and ran around outside enjoying Simon's enthusiasm over seeing snow for the first time he can remember.

After breakfast, we bundled up and were outside right away again. We were outside as long as we could stand. Snowballs were thrown, snow was piled up, we practised running and sliding on it, and Phillip even made a little snowman. We enjoyed every moment outside until little fingers and even big toes were red and nearly too cold to feel anything.

Inside again, warm with our roaring fire, I made the boys some hot coco to warm up. Simon's first introduction to "hot choc".

It is REALLY coming down!

Even Ippo wanted to come out and play in the snow
Side note: This is a really awesome cat

We have no snow shovels. Simon made do.

The beginnings of a snowman

Simon's snowman.
Or snow-pile.

How many snowballs can you hold?

Phillip's finished snowman

Warmin' up with hot coco

Oh yeah, that's some good stuff!

Unexpected Pauses in Life

It seems that every time I make a new commitment to blog more regularly something happens to prevent that.

Early in July, Phillip sprained his ankle. With a warning that it might be a stress fracture (SPOILER: It wasn't).

Not a bad sprain. But since he works as a furniture removalist (aka a mover), it pretty much put him out of commission as far as work went for the last month. It also put him out of commission as far as household duties and taking care of the toddlerino went, too. (Also, the fear that it might be a fracture and it took a few weeks to get an MRI for it).

Now, I do the bulk of housework. As in... nearly everything. Because I am good at it. I am the best at running our household. I will brag about this because I seriously kick butt at running our household. It's just my thing. Most of the time, I honestly enjoy it. Phillip helps out by playing with Simon when, at the end of the night, dishes are being washed, counters are being wiped, floors are being swept, food is cooked or put away, and laundry is hung up to dry (we have neither a dishwasher nor a clothes dryer).*

(Only, lets be really honest here, it's not helping out. Simon is HIS child too. He's not giving me a hand, he's having some much needed one-on-one time with his son, They BOTH love and need it.) (No this is not insulting him, it's a simple truth about being a parent).

But that still means I'm not chopping meat and veggies and using a hot stove with a busy and curious toddler under foot, afraid I'll slip and chop off his fingers, or something will fall off the stove and burn him. Or I'll trip on him or his cars and stab myself (I can't be the only mom who imagines that happening, can I?).

The last month, with Phillip incapacitated and not able to play with Simon in the way they are used to, nor help out with anything around the house, gave me approximately zero time to do almost anything not deemed necessary. On top of that, we had several "special" days (his birthday at the very end of  June, then my birthday, followed by our wedding anniversary) that passed, and, because we're still heavily grieving the loss of our son, made for some super fun weeks of emotional messes.

Basically, I was an emotional wreck all month and just exhausted, physically and emotionally.

But, Phillip is now doing well. Ish (Sprains take a long time to heal). He's back at work on light duties and able to do more with Simon, though I'm still doing all the heavy lifting chores I wouldn't normally be doing (I actually really enjoy hauling in wood for the fire) on top of my regulars. And I'm setting out some self-care plans so I don't just... loose my mind. But THAT is all for another post.

Maybe.

Assuming nothing else prevents me from writing.

Because I actually have a list of things I want to share. An actual in-real-life written down LIST.

*Phillip DOES help around the house with more than just watching Simon. But I'm not taking the time to list all the jobs each of us do, and sometimes we switch some of them. He'll actually admit that I do most of the "house stuff". Just be assured he is an awesome husband who helps out, and he reads and edits everything I post. 

Bitten. Again.

As if snakes weren't bad enough, I have to also worry about venomous ants. 

I got bit for the first time, by Jack Jumpers, last week. 

I've been bitten by Inchmen before. It wasn't nice. Hurt a LOT, and was swollen and itchy for over a week.

When Phillip and I were in Hobart for Ben we visited a free museum (doctors encouraged us to get out of the hospital in between tests as much as possible). There was a Jack Jumper nest on display. And some facts about them being the deadliest animal... creature... in Tasmania. 

Which was surprising. I mean, it's an ant. And not even a large ant. 

But they have a pretty venomous sting that, unfortunately, can commonly cause anaphylaxis. 

They can also jump. 

And have quite a temper. 

And there are at least 3 nests on the small bit of property we own, and the immediate surrounding area that our landlord lets us use (though we don't technically rent that land). I knew they give pretty painful bites (second-hand knowledge till now), and that Phillip is so allergic to the sting, the surrounding area gets ridiculously swollen. Yet another thing I've had to avoid like crazy during outdoor play so Simon and myself don't get stung. They are EVERYWHERE around our house. 

But when we took a walk one evening with Simon, and I saw some blackberries that looked ripe, I was thinking more along the lines of "there's no snakes around, yay! Simon loves blackberries, I can give him a small treat!" than looking out for yet another Jack Jumper nest. So as I reached to check the blackberries, I started to feel a sudden BURNING sting on my ankle. 

Looking down, there were Jack Jumpers swarming everywhere around my foot. I have no real idea what happened next except I apparently, in a panicked tone, asked my husband for help while flicking the ants out of my sock and backing away from the nest, then grabbed Simon and we walked away, me swearing in my head and trying not to panic. 

The ants didn't stay on me, and I only ended up with three bits on my ankle. Somehow I didn't get stung on the hand while pulling the ants out of my sock. Based on my reaction from the Inchman bite, I was thinking something along the same lines would happen or worse, and began frantically (calmly) Googleing what to do for the bites.

I was worried for nothing, as it turns out. All night, the most that happened was the bite marks stung badly now and then, and a week and a day later, they are just VERY itchy. But no worse than a mosquito bite. 

And I have, yet again with my reaction to something, scared Simon sufficiently enough that he really doesn't want anything to do with these bugs. He kept saying "Ma, ow. Ow. Ba bu." (Translated: Mommy, ow. Ow. Bad bugs.) I'm taking that as a very good thing to come out of this.

Also good? Learning the ant stings don't do much more to me than hurt like hell. 

Silent No More

A fair warning to anyone who reads this blog: I will talk about my dead son.

Apparently, the fact that I HAVE a dead son and mourn his loss makes people uncomfortable.

The fact that I am slowly gaining the strength and courage to actually talk about him, and the trauma of loosing him, makes people more uncomfortable.

And so I warn you, I will not be silent about it. It is a fact and a pain that permeates every facet of our lives now. And I will not ignore it. 

And if that bothers you, stop reading. Stop following. 

I tell you this not to spare your feelings, not to make you less comfortable. Because I don't care about your feelings right now.

I care about mine. 

I care about my husband's.

And we have, in a short time, already been very very hurt by people who feel uncomfortable around our grief that, even if we tried to hide it, pours from us. 

And we no longer have time for that. We no longer have time for people who want us to stay silent because it might upset them more and because THEY feel uncomfortable.

We lost a child. If YOU feel uncomfortable, think about how we feel. WE now get to deal with this loss, with our feelings,  in what way we choose. YOU get to choose a new way.

And if you are among those that have rallied around us in prayer, thoughts, and kind words...

Thank you. You have given comfort in ways that you can not imagine. 

Special Saturday

Last weekend was the first Saturday we had without any obligations whatsoever in... neither Phillip nor I can remember when the last Saturday was. Several months at least. But Friday night, both of us say down, tired, cranky, realizing we hadn't had time as a family, just the three of us, in ages. Doing something fun, getting out of the house. Spending time TOGETHER.

And we were suffering for it. Simon was cranky, tired of being in the house, and missing spending time with his daddy, I was cranky, overworked, overwhelmed, and suffering from some major cabin fever, and Philip was overworked, listless, tired, and somewhat aloof because of it.

So we erased from our minds all the many many chores that needed doing, all the little extra cleaning and organizing projects that have piled up due to outside-the-house obligations and general taking care of a toddler business, made an agreement to ignore all texts and invites, and make plans for the day for just the three of us.

It was wonderful.

We did our normal special Saturday morning breakfast, which is really just something different from what we usually would eat throughout the week, and took it fairly easy and relaxed for the morning. It was, amazingly enough, a warmish and sunny day for winter, so we packed a simple lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and fruit, and left for Turner's beach for the afternoon.

Thankfully, the tide was out so there was a massive stretch of well-packed, not too wet sand for Simon to run around on like a crazy person. He loved it. He loved it even more when strangers walked by with their dogs, and he noticed that their were sea gulls. And that there were rocks he could throw. And that the world was so BIG. We didn't do much more than walk up and down the beach talking and watching Simon take everything in and enjoy himself, which was enjoyment enough for Phillip and me.

Chill dude wearing his Aunt Jojo's old sunglasses

Our one decent family photo in AGES

The fall looks worse than it was.
(Which is why I crack up every time I look at it)
He got right back up smiling and running around.

Look Mommy! I found a rock!

Found out he could throw rocks over things.

He read the whole way home.
This is his standard car activity.

On the drive home, after two hours of playing and eating, Philip and I talked about how... FUN the afternoon had been. How nice it was too just be our family, to relax together, and how important we both feel it is that we continue to do things like this together. Simon has such a natural love of the outdoors, and we want so much to encourage that. We want our children to have fun memories (or at least feelings of) little family outings. Nothing big, nothing expensive, just... us.

A Bit Lacking

It's not that I don't have words. I have plenty of words. Its not that I don't have time either, honestly, because I can make time. I just don't have the energy to write much of anything lately.

I don't even remember how far behind I am in my emailing.

We're expecting baby number two. Sometime November-December. I know I know, I'm VERY late announcing it here. But first of all, I like to do the 'wait 3 months before you tell' thing, and secondly, the first 4 months of this pregnancy were rough. Not as rough as some people have it, most definitely, but still, rough. I'm still having trouble reminding myself to eat (anything but cookies and ice-cream... Which we don't have around the house anyway. Oh, and potato chips).

So between the morning sickness that never ended, pregnancy induced exhaustion, regular looking after a toddler exhaustion, and taking care of basic household needs like laundry and food, I'm physically spent by the time I wake up in the morning.

And my homesickness increases exponentially when I'm pregnant apparently, and Simon has decided to act like a little minion from hell half the day the last few weeks, so add to that emotionally spent.

So by the end of the day (or during nap time, if that even happened) all I want to do is sit and veg. No writing, no emailing, no painting or knitting. Just veg. Or Pinterest. Which is kind of the same thing.

So forgive me, if you still read this. I have words, I have LOTS of words.

Just not the energy.

Things missed

One of the more common things people would say to me during my trip went something along the lines of  "I bet you'll miss X, Y, and Z when you go back." Only one person said something that I thought was really intelligent and,  well, encouraging. I was asked what I was looking forward to getting back to.
So rather than list all the many many things I miss about what is still home in my mind, I thought I'd give a few of the things that, while I was away, I actually started to miss about life in Australia, what I've been happy to be back to for the past month.

Running my own home. Not that I didn't love having my mom and dad kind of... take care... of me and my family for our visit, there's just something that doesn't feel right as a woman when you aren't running your own home after a while. Breaks are nice, being taken care of is wonderful, but I really truly do love maintaining and caring for my home and family myself.

Fresh food. Ok, I LOVED not having to cook a meal for a month (though I did make rolls and cinnamon rolls and pie at different times during my visit), and my mom and aunt are wonderful cooks, (big sandwich anyone?) but there's something about fresh, local produce that really does taste... better. That, and coming into summer meant plenty more fresh fruit and veggies. Especially cherries! Oh how I looooove Tasmanian cherries!

Gardening. Not that I've been able to get to as much as I'd like, what with Simon being a baby who needs, you know, lots of care, and sensitive baby skin (the sun is intense), and there being a lot of things that are just too gross/harmful in our back yard for a bay to crawl on, but I have high hopes for our summer garden this year (again), and I'm happy to be able to do whatever work I can in it. I love being able to work and grow our own food. And the peas and beets we've gotten from it so far have been delicious.

A routine. Poor Simon (and Phillip and me) didn't sleep well at ALL during our trip. Massive time change, going back and forth between various houses and visits, staying up late. Nothing was ever really the same for long for the poor kid, and his sleep schedule reflected it. Getting back into a routine has meant that he, at most, wakes up twice during the night now, and is just the happiest baby during the day. Even with cutting four teeth at once! Routine and happy baby has also meant I've been able to get back into two things I love.

Painting and working out. I'm excited to jump back into my painting project(s). Not getting along as fast as I'd like, but delving into my paints again has been nice. Along with getting back into some sort of work-out routine. I wanted to start feeling overall healthy again, which was hard to do even before going on a month-long vacation. Getting back into yoga and some other cardio-type things has been wonderful. My body feels so much less achy, and I have so much more energy. And I just feel happier.

Are there other things and people I'm happy to be back to? Of course! But my "thankful" list can't go on forever publicly. They'll just be for me to mull over and feel all warm and fuzzy about. Doesn't mean I don't still experience crushing homesickness, I do. There are still moments when I will sit and cry over how much I miss my family and friends. But I've learned I can't dwell on what hurts, what is painful. Acknowledge it, yes, accept it, of course. But I realize, too, that there is just so very much to be thankful for, here, as well.