Remembering Bennet: An Invitation

Eleven months.

Today marks eleven full months my baby boy was born sleeping.

It is a bizarre concept, to be born dead. 

I should be planning a first birthday party. Instead, I'm planning a memorial. 

While Bennet was dying and we were in Hobart undergoing a multitude of tests, scans and lots and lots and LOTS of waiting, we spent a lot of time at the ocean. Mainly looking out at fishing boats and the vastness of the ocean. Not knowing what was going to happen, except that our much-wanted second son was probably going to die very soon. Trying in any way to bring some sort of calm to the new chaos and awfulness that had slammed into our lives. 

One of my journal pages.
With a note to Bennet in the boat.

The ocean still reminds us of our Ben. 

The steady waves. The deep blue. The freshness. The openness. All the time we spent looking into it, praying for his life and the decisions we might have to make.

And so we decided that, for Bennet's first birthday, we would release paper boats. 

Something we can make with our own hands. Because there is healing in doing. 

Something we can write little notes on to him, or prayers to God. Because there is healing in being heard. 

(The added benefit of it being that they have little to no impact on the environment as they will break down fairly quickly in the water)

And, since a great deal of our support, and Bennet's family, lives far overseas, we decided that we would create a page where anyone who wants to remember Bennet with us can, by making and releasing their own paper boats and sharing their photos with us on his birthday. 

And because I know I am not alone in loosing a baby (statistics are 1 in 4 will loose a baby through miscarriage. Statistics on still birth are harder to find because not every state can agree on a butt-load of things I'll not go in to here), and there is so much silence around pregnancy loss, I wanted to give other's an opportunity to remember their own babies as well. 

So I created a Facebook page for Bennet's birthday, for anyone who would like to remember Bennet with us on what should be his first birthday, or their own baby gone too soon. 

We will also be raising money for Bears of Hope. It is a non-profit organisation that supports families who have lost a baby at any age or gestation. One member in particular has been of so much support to both Phillip and me and is one of the reasons we're still so... sane. And really healing. I don't have words for what this organisation means to us, or to describe the help and hope that it has brought us this past year. So we are raising money so Bears of Hope can continue to help care for families in the amazing way they do. If you wish to donate, the link here leads to Bennet's page. 

So this is my invitation, to anyone who reads it, to remember our baby boy with us, on his birthday, October 21st.  

Birthday

"What do you want for your birthday?" my husband has been asking me for the last few weeks.

I will turn 30 on Monday.

Which is supposed to be a big thing for some reason, turning 30. And I've got nothing planned. I don't know what I want really.

There are always THINGS I could use, things I want.

I had hoped to maybe fly home to the U.S., celebrate with my family and close friends. Nothing big, just being together, talking, hanging out, good drinks, brownies not cake, because I don't really like cake all that much. (Well, I don't like frosting. Cake is fantastic, frosting... not so much. FUDGEY brownies, too, not cakey ones.)

But instead, I will be home in Australia, alone with my husband and one of our sons. Missing the other one. And maybe eating salmon and having a glass of wine.

I don't really want to celebrate this year, being so far away from so many people I love. The last 3 years I haven't been overly eager to celebrate my birthday anyway because it just feels weird celebrating in the winter instead of summer, and without my family and friends. But THIS year, this year is harder.

This year, I will not be having a very happy birthday.

Which might seem like a really pessimistic, maybe even selfish statement to make.

But you see, one of my biggest dreams, one of the things I have always ALWAYS wanted was a house full of little boys. Kind of like Jo, from Little Women. I just wanted to raise lots of little boys.

The moment I found out Bennet was a boy I already knew he was dying, and my mind still played through the joy of what years of having TWO boys might be like! I hated my brain for doing that to me.

So my birthday is now one of "those" days. One of those days that should be filled with more celebration and laughter because we should have another little boy with us. One of those days that should have more hair pulling, more sibling fights and rivalry, more smiles, more giggles, more belly kisses and happy good-mornings filled with two little boy's smiles. And one of my boys is not here. And I miss him more, if possible, on days like this.

Days like this, I don't want anything but to have him back alive. Days like this I would move heaven and earth if I could see him smile, hear him giggle, hell, even just hear him breath. Just once.

Days like this I hold my living son a little tighter, I smile through tears as we play together, I give him extra hugs and belly kisses, extra stories and songs. Days like this I have joyful moments, maybe even happy ones, but they are not happy days. Days like this I appreciate more what I do have, and miss more what I don't.

"Life is a pile of good things and bad things"

Last weekend I got a new brother-in-law.

(I'm doing these blogs a week late because of reasons.)

My sister-in-law married someone I've been friends with for... years.

It's all a rather beautiful story of God taking two broken people and very slowly opening their eyes to each other and the plans He had for them to be together. It really is just lovely.

But that's their story to tell, not mine. And they do it SO much better than I could.

The wedding was small and simple. The couple lovely. My anxiety through the roof. I am finding it extremely difficult to be around groups of people without feeling... smothered. Uncomfortable. Judged.

7 months in, and the grief of loosing Bennet is no less than it was the day we found out there was something wrong with him. We've only gotten better at carrying it. On top of that, I lost my grandmother the same day my little boy turned 2. So a lot of grief, a lot of pain, a lot of weight to carry around.

But the thing about pain and grief is, they don't make the happy things any less happy. I am THRILLED that my sister-in-law and friend are happily married. I really truly am.

But all that weight from all that loss makes the actual celebrating WITH people... hard. Especially when you're told "be happy, today is a happy day. Cry about sad things later." Then you just feel like an awful person because the sadness, even if you're trying to hide it, is just oozing out of you, and you feel judged for it.

I am happy. More than happy. But at the same time, I am also sad. Horribly horribly sad. And that doesn't go away just because something GOOD is happening.

Big occasions like holidays, birthdays, weddings, make me miss my baby more keenly than every day. Because he should be part of the celebration. He should have been crawling after his big brother, complaining about missing his nap, begging for milk, snuggling up on my lap, meeting all the long-distance family members. His dark head of beautiful hair a contrast to his big brother's curly blond locks.

The thing that, well, thrilled isn't the right word, but felt extremely special to me, was that my father-in-law mentioned Bennet in his "welcome to the family" speech. To hear my child's name mentioned, in such a public forum, and in such a meaningful way in that he is STILL part of the family this new person was entering, was so so special to me.

Hearing your dead child's name spoken aloud, having them counted, is priceless.

I did not make this.
But thank you to whatever Whovian did. 

Two Years Old!

My little boy turned TWO! I no longer have a baby on my hands, and honestly, haven't for quite a while. He is a full-blown high-energy INSANE and wonderful toddler! I have survived nearly 2 full weeks of super-real toddlerhood! And, tantrums aside, this is one of my favorite ages.

Learning lessons from last year (where I went all-out for the family party we had while pregnant and very very sick), I supremely toned it down this year. Mostly because last year, for Simon's 1st birthday, we announced that he was going to be a big brother. So we weren't sure if we could emotionally handle having people over because it is, this year, anyway, one of "those" days, that might trigger extreme sadness (read: more than the every-day sadness) that Ben isn't here. I don't care about showing my sadness in front of most people, but people are EXHAUSTING. Parties more so.

But Phillip and I decided that, since we'd skipped the family Mother's Day celebration (it being another one of "those" days that just... hurt), we'd invite the family over to kind of say "yeah, we can't handle some things, but we still want to be around you when we can because we still care about you all."

Apparently several of my text invites never went through though, so two of four families never knew we even had a party (I apologised profusely and they're all happy), along with some other... upsets... about us missing Mother's Day... it turned out to be a very very small family party.

We had fun, though, celebrating our crazy kiddo. The weekend before (the day before Mother's Day), we took Simon to Ag Fest, as part of his birthday treat, to look at all the tractors, trucks, and other farm equipment that makes his little boy heart so happy.

Excavators are his FAVORITE

Something I learned from one of my cousins, who throws quite beautiful themed parties from time to time, is that it is best to simplify things. Pick the top few things you really really want to do, and do those. Otherwise, there are so many cool ideas out there to try, it gets VERY overwhelming and you end up only half doing any of the things and have a party that looks half as well put-together.

Thus, my focus for this little party was the table. (And what Simon loves, of course). Simon is, like a lot of children his age, absolutely in LOVE with trucks and tractors. So we made a "Farmer's Market" table for his food, and John Deere colors because, well, it was easy and we had leftover yellow stuff to decorate with. Phillip designed a quick a cool-looking sign to bring it all together. I cleaned out his dump truck VERY thoroughly, and we served sausages in it, and put a small tray in his wooden tractor and had "farm fresh" hard boiled eggs in it, and had plenty of fresh veggies and potato salad on the side. With the John Deere colored cake with it's little tractor on top, I think it all came together nicely. And the two-year-old looked about as impressed as a two-year-old can be with food.

I would probably do just about anything to get that smile to stay on his face.

He got a LOT of books from Grandma, Popop, and Mama
and Daddy.
And insisted on reading each one before going on to
the next gift

Our big gift to him this year was a ride-on tractor my sister convinced us to buy him because he tries to ride everything from soccer balls, to his toy trucks, to the cats (the last one is problematic). And of course he got books. He LOVES books. WE love books. Like my dad said, it's never to early to start your own library. He likes his tractor quite a lot, and didn't want to wait for it to come out of the box and get assembled before he rode it. 

So many ways I can see that my little man has grown so much in one year. He walks, he talks, he launches himself off of every possible surface that is more than one inch above the ground (the higher the better). He has a head full of curly blond hair! And, he cuts up his own food. Quite a big difference from his decapitation of the dragon cake last year. 

Christmas:2014

Yes I'm posting this a bit late. I have reasons. Which will come in the next post. Also in this one. 

Christmas was an interesting combination of fun, relaxed, and heart-wrenchingly painful.

It was Simon's second Christmas and, at 19 months, he still doesn't GET it, but was old enough to actually enjoy opening gifts and playing with them. 

Reading Miki by Stephen Mackey

For 10 minutes. Then he discovered wrapping paper and boxes and the same stuff he takes out of the kitchen cupboards every day.

And while seeing him SUPER excited to open up his new cars and trucks was quite fun, when he put those off to the side because he opened up the books we'd gotten him while we were in Hobart, and sat on his daddy's lap for 15 minutes asking to be read to, my heart swelled with pride and melted a little bit. Because my child loves books! And I don't know that there is anything he can do at this age that would make me prouder.

It was so nice to have a quiet Christmas morning, just the three of us. To enjoy Simon's happiness and at the same time remember that we should have had little Ben with us, too, to share toys with, and kisses, and have pictures of his first Christmas. And we needed that quiet time together, the three of us, to remember, to cry, to laugh, and to prepare for the big family Christmas day with everyone from my husband's side of the family. 

HAM!
We love ham.

The night before I'd made a really nice Christmas Eve dinner of ham and veggies. And home-made cooked egg nog. Oh. My. YUM. We ate leftover cold ham for breakfast with, what is becoming kind of a tradition for us, fresh, flaky biscuits and eggs. We try to keep it small because Christmas lunch with my husband's family tends to be HUGE. And then they eat the leftovers cold for dinner. It's quite delicious.

No gingerbread house or TARDIS this year. Just plain cookies.

I tried adding to it, at least for immediate family members and some choice friends, anyway, by baking gifts this year. A combination of gingerbread, almond roca, and some chocolate chip cookie dough truffles (I can't choose a favorite. They were all fantastic to, um, taste-test...). I let Simon "help" me this year. Since gingerbread dough has no egg in it, I thought he could play with some of the dough while I made the cookies. Turns out, Simon LOVES gingerbread (he now ASKS for it yelling "Dindinbeh!") and immediately stuffed the bits of dough in his mouth and yelled for more. So, not wanting a toddler hyped up on sugar, I put a stop to his "helping" and gave him rice puffs instead. Later, he learned the art of stealing cookies while I am distracted frosting them. Was he helpful? No. Was it annoying? No. I decided when I started that I was going to enjoy the time with him no matter what. We spent time together doing things. Well worth loosing some gingerbread and time baking to make the memories I now have of him!

Bites of heaven.
I mean eggless chocolate chip cookie dough truffles.

This year was honestly probably the most relaxed and nice Christmas we've been to. 

Except that by the end, I had had more than enough socializing and pretending that I was ok. Because I wasn't. The one and only time I mentioned Ben's name and being in the hospital was during a legitimate story I was asked about (why Simon was running around singing, "Die Die Die!". It's from the song Dumb Ways to Die, which I had on my tablet the first time we were in the hospital waiting for scan results and ran out of ways to entertain Simon. So we let him watch it and he is kind of obsessed with it now). The people listening actually turned away from me. I mean legitimately turned their backs and stopped looking at me. To say it was hurtful would be downplaying what that felt like. It was one of those moments where I was tempted to yell "I DON'T HAVE A DISEASE!". I get that I am the face of pain to them right now, and they don't know what to do, but really, it was probably one of the worst things they could have done. Well, that, and ignore me. Which they did too. It was super fun, let me tell you...

You can use tractors and trucks to make cookies.
Right?

But Simon had fun. And that made most of it worth it. And by the end of the night, at home with Simon in bed, sitting with Phillip, a glass of wine, and watching Elf (after shedding copious amounts of tears, because you can't cry while watching Elf. It's too funny), I could say it was a nice Christmas with my little family. 

First Birthday's and Dragons

Wow, I now have ONE-year-old.

Crazy.

Time went by pretty fast (though, at the time, seemed to draaaaag). I can honestly say that, now, I really truly enjoy being a mother. I have next to no idea what I'm doing, if any idea at all, really, but I really enjoy it now at LEAST 99.9% of the time (I'd still really enjoy sleeping in too). The first 5 months or so, I couldn't say that. It was hard, learning that taking care of this thankless, selfish, crying little adorable person was my job now. That what I WANTED to do (and sometimes needed to do) didn't matter so much as making sure this little persons needs were met, that he was loved and well cared for first before myself or housework got taken care of. Learning that I was a VERY selfish person who wanted what I wanted was hard, giving that up is harder (and a daily if not hourly task). Now though? I really do enjoy it. Simon is one fun kid. And there is no way to explain how much I absolutely love and adore him. How much I have from the very beginning, even with all the frustrations and learnings.

Seriously, though. This kid is hilarious. I love him. And Phillip and I wanted to throw him a super cool party for his first birthday. Problem is, we know all of like, four people that aren't family )ok, it's slightly more than that, but you get the picture). And neither of us are big PARTY people, nor have we been feeling extremely well lately (Phillip with a cold, me with other things), and also, Simon is only one. I mean, it's a big deal, but really? Not huge one. But still, I love a good birthday party, I love kid birthday parties, and Pintrest makes it WAAAAY to easy to find far too many fun ideas to do for kid birthday parties.

THIS is what you could buy. They've come
out with nicer ones with the second movie coming out soon, though.

So we decided on a "How To Train Your Dragon" theme, because we both love the movie, and Simon is too young to choose what he wants. Also, we wanted to get him a Toothless plush toy for Christmas, but couldn't find nice ones online (they were fairly hideous), and I happened to find a super cute and easy tutorial on how to make your own that actually looked like the movie character, instead of something that wanted to eat your soul. And I really wanted to make it. So really, we selfishly chose a theme WE wanted, but were pretty sure Simon would look back at photos and think "my parents weren't so bad, this is kinda neat".

THIS is the home-made Toothless.
So much cuter. And the tutorial was fairly easy to follow too! 

Toothless took a few nights of sewing, once Simon was in bed, and I ended up using a small K-Mart fleece blanket for the material, because after checking fabric and craft stores for WEEKS, we couldn't find black fleece anywhere that would suite for this project. If was either ridiculously cheap, and would pill and come apart after one good play, or overly fuzzy (and remarkably expensive). I ended up using super cheap K-Mart pillows for stuffing, too (K-Mart is the Australian Walmart equivalent, only with worse quality in a lot of things). Fabric and craft stores around here are just way overpriced and under stocked. I miss Hobby Lobby. The ONLY part I had trouble understanding in the Toothless  tutorial was sewing the tail fin. I left a whole side open because I didn't look at the diagram properly, and realized you only sew the TIP of it into the tail, not the side. Made for a more impressively long dragon once it was done, and it only took me five minutes to cut out and sew a new fin (seam ripping black stitches on black fleece was more work than I wanted to do, and I had enough scraps to do another fin easy).

Pintrest led to more ideas on food, which I narrowed down to a dragon cake and some Viking ship sandwiches. Partly because I love to play with cake decorating (though it was much harder with my lack of proper materials here) and it was an excuse to do Big Sandwich, which had the added benefit of... sort of... including my family in things, since it's something my Aunt/Uncle/cousins made a lot when I would go over. It was at least a reminder that we're thinking of them, and that they're still a part of our lives, even if they couldn't be here for the event <tear>. Then I made some paper mache "dragon eggs" as favours. They had little candy bars inside, and were made mostly to entertain the kids we invited. Unfortunately, the cold/flu that has been making its rounds amongst.. everyone... made it so that the only kids that came were Phillip's two younger cousins. Actually, the only people that could make it to the party were Phillip's family.

Despite the lack of children, it was a really good time. And everything turned out really well. And tasty. And Simon seemed to have a really good time. Though, honestly, he has a good time anywhere unless he is sick, hungry, or tired. Sadly, Simon and I came down with the nasty cold Phillip had, for a while, the day after the party, and are still working on recovering.

Food!
Night Fury cake and Viking ship sandwiches.
Family brought mostly deserts to share, so we were
a bit hyped up on sugar afterwards. 

Simon ate the dragon's head with much gusto.

Getting his very own dragon!
I think I love the fact that it's as big as him more than he does.

Christmas: 2013

We've been back from our trip to the States for just over a week now.

I promise you, I have a few blog entries started on my tablet (yes! I got a tablet! Mostly so I COULD blog while my hubby has the computer). Unfortunately, we don't have wireless, so I have to upload them later... and finish them... but I couldn't wait on this one, because it's Christmas (Simon's first!).

And I managed to do my annual gingerbread house. Somehow. With being remarkably tired from traveling and a sick and cranky baby who refuses to sleep for longer than 3 hour-increments at night. And just a long long first week back in Tassie.

But baking is therapy sometimes. And I so badly wanted to make this gingerbread house! I didn't care if anyone in Phillip's family recognized it, or thought it was as awesome as we did, or lame, I just needed to make it.

So I did.

And it is glorious. Or at least I think so, anyway.

Anyone who doesn't recognize it, this is the TARDIS. From Dr. Who. Specifically, for a seasonally appropriate TARDIS, a bit of inspiration from "The Snowmen" episode.

I am a rather recent initiate into the Dr. Who universe, thanks to my cousin. Though I have to say, things I'd seen from the fandom made me rather interested in the show before that, as well.

So in honor of 50 years of Dr. Who, and my lovely cousin, who I'm really really sad I couldn't be with for Christmas (along with the rest of my family), comes the gingerbread TARDIS.

Interestingly enough, Phillip's uncle is a big Dr. Who fan, which we did not know until I walked in with my TARDIS. So there were fun jokes about breaking it open to see if it was bigger on the inside. And it was fun to have something I did just for myself for fun be fun for others as well.

And, for Simon's first Christmas, we kept it low-key. He got some clothes we got in the States for him, and some Duplos for when he's a bit older. I mean, honestly, he's super happy playing with bits of paper he finds on the floor at the moment, and gets enough toys from other people, that we felt no need to spoil him more. Lots of love, and hugs is about all he needs and want from us anyway.

 Poor baby is still rather sick and cranky most of the time. On the left we have happy baby after playing with wrapping paper. On the right, we have a child who just got clothes for Christmas...

Missing A Lot

Last weekend I had to miss my cousin's wedding.

One of the many joys of living so far away from home. Not only did I have to miss the wedding, but the months before of helping plan, make things, and just sitting around talking about the wedding and marriage in general.

I'm pretty close to my cousins.

So missing the wedding last week was... hard to say the least. And we had originally planned on going, since Simon was meant to be three months old by that time (travel at that age meant we didn't have to pack any food for him, since I carry it all all the time anyway! And he's still fairly travel-sized, too). Unfortunately, our little monster child decided to come two weeks late, which meant applying for his passport two weeks later, and all other government paperwork was put in two weeks later than we'd "planned" on.

(Side note, who knew you couldn't really plan with babies, hu? Note my sarcasm, I was/am well aware of how little you can fully plan on with children)

So, instead of being able to watch my cousin walk down the isle and celebrate with family I haven't seen in two years (nearly to the day, actually), I looked at pictures of a princess-like bride on Facebook and cried with Simon (though Simon was crying because he was over-tired, not because of the wedding).

It just drove further home the fact that living so far from family and loved ones means that I will miss out on a lot of big and important moments, both happy and sad. And that they have to miss out on a lot of mine, too. As well as the fact that it has now been two years since I have been home.

Celebrating Simply

Being that Phillip and I are still learning to care for an infant, our birthdays and 2 year anniversary passed with very little celebration.

Not that either of us are really into celebrating our birthdays anyway, it's just nice to give/get a little gift(s), and do something out of the ordinary.

Phillip's parent's did throw us a family get-together at their house. It's Phillip's family's tradition to get together at the birthday person's house for a meal, which we did last year (combining our birthdays so as to not have to do it twice). Because Simon was only one month and a bit for both our birthdays, we just plain didn't want to have people over for more than an hour. So the in-laws having the meal for us was pretty nice.

For our ACTUAL birthdays, Phillip and I have decided we won't do much in our household. Whoever's birthday it is gets to pick a nice meal for dinner (nearly no limits on what you can choose), and the other person makes it. Phillip chose chili and cornbread (though he bought corn FLOUR instead of corn MEAL and so cornbread was out), and I was able to, over the course of two days, make mini sour cream apple pies for him to enjoy over a few days. I got salmon and veggies (which Phillip did an admirable job cooking!). Gifts were, well, again with the not getting out much or having much time, I never got to shop. Phillip gets to spend money on ministry books he wants instead, and he got me a mini trampoline (which turns out is nice to bounce on and put the baby to sleep. Exercise+baby sleeping= happy mamma).

Our anniversary, well, we had no idea what to do this year. Last year, I made a really really nice meal and we just had a nice time at home. This year, I'm too worn out most days still to do the same. And the fact that I am exclusively breastfeeding means getting a babysitter is out of the question. So, we agreed to just go out for a treat of coffee and fudge at a nice gallery/coffee house in Sheffield, Fudge 'n' Good Coffee.

Red-topped fudge was the Drunken Chocoholic.
We dove right in.
Close fudge is "Moreish Mocha"

It's a classy, comfy, little place, that kind of reminds me of the nice non-Starbucks coffee places back home. You know, the family owned places that make really good coffee, and are just warm and homey and make you want to sit back and really enjoy your coffee that comes in a real mug (rather than a cardboard cup) and relax. The fact that it also doubles as an art gallery that features local artists is really nice too.

Our anniversary treats were Vienna coffees (delicious coffee topped with slightly sweetened whipped cream), and two marvelous blocks of fudge. The new one made just the day before kind, was "The Drunken Chocoholic", made with Cabernet Sauvignon and spiced chocolate. SO GOOD! The perfect fudge to celebrate an anniversary with, in my opinion.

Going out on a date like this with a baby was relatively stress-free. We got to sit at a cozy corner table with Simon in his stroller while we enjoyed our coffee and fudge and each others company (with the occasional peak at Simon to laugh at his "surprised and attentive" face). And he was content enough with half sleeping and listening to new noises like coffee grinders, milk steamers, and ladies laughing.

Christmas: 2012

We're still learning how to celebrate Christmas together, and trying to set up our own little family traditions, so Christmas this year was more of a work in progress than a happy fun holiday season.

Not that I didn't have fun. Christmas morning with the hubby was pretty nice. We're just still trying to find that balance between "we know this is based on a pagan holiday and don't feel entirely comfortable celebrating it just because it's become tradition" and "I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!" (I am more the latter).

We both woke up a bit later than expected Christmas morning (Christmas Eve celebrations with his parents and siblings went on longer than expected because one of his brothers decided to do some unplanned deer hunting that was somehow legal even though it isn't deer season), and had to rush a bit more than I would have wanted.

I made the same delectable biscuits for breakfast that we had for Thanksgiving. I'm serious, these things are just the best ever. So light, fluffy, flaky, and full of flavor.... but anyway, topped a few of those with whats left of the homemade raspberry jam from last summer and the rest with melted butter and warm honey... Ooooohhhh.... they are GOOD. With a small cup of the coffee my sister sent us from Guatemala,  it was a perfect small and cozy Christmas breakfast.

Not technically a gift for him,
but he still liked it.

We had a few minutes to open gifts together , let the chickens out, and gather up this years gingerbread house and other food stuffs to bring before we had to get ready to leave for a family gathering.

I wasn't as surprised by the Britishness of Christmas this year, but more surprised at how my family's traditions have more in common with those of my German friend. Gingerbread houses and Christmas cookies: not such a big thing here. Where as my family would be chowing down on piles and piles of sugar, gingerbread, and spritz cookies, here, it's more about the puddings. And by puddings, it's more cake-like by American standards. So, British puddings. Which are GOOD. There's Christmas pudding (kind of like fruit cake, but with more spices and less like a brick), summer pudding (some kind of pastry thing filled with berries, and, well, that was it for puddings this year anyway. A pavlova also seems to company every single celebration of any kind here, too. All quite QUITE good, but I do miss my Aunt Christy's spritz cookies, and tearing into the gingerbread house together as a family.

My poor little house was mostly ignored this year, so I'm not entirely sure I'll continue the tradition. Well, maybe for our own little one (and do an uber tiny house!).

I went super simple this year, since I learned last year that the warmth and humidity in the air don't work too well with the frosting or melted sugar I use to glue the house together and then glue candy all over the house. So, instead, I used my totally awesome sandwich bag piping technique (read: I'm too cheap to buy real piping bags) and just did frosting designs all over it.

While not as epic as last years Ninjabread house (which I apparently never posted on and will now have to upload photos for comparison, and to puff up my little ego), I still liked this years, and thought it turned out quite well.

I still stuffed it full of Ninjabread men!

Rather than coat the whole thing with white frosting this year,
I opted for outlining tiles and then a light sprinkling of powdered sugar.

Not as cool looking, but classic and pretty I thought.
Also not as melty.

Last years house....

Normal front...

Log-splitting ninja out back

Darn frosting recipe I followed plus humidity and high
temperatures made for a drippy bendy house.

One-Year Anniversary

We celebrated our one-year anniversary.

Which, while being totally awesome (I mean, it's the FIRST anniversary of being married for one whole year, meaning we're officially no longer newlyweds), is just a little bitter-sweet to me. Mostly because it has now been (over) a year since I've seen any of my friends or family.

But more with the good memories of one year of marriage.

Phillip showed up, home from work, dressed in his full wedding suite. Tie, shoes, everything. With a massive bouquet of pink and white lilies, daises, and three roses (one for each of us, and one for our first year anniversary, he said). 3 days later, the rest of the lilies are still blooming and smell absolutely wonderful.

I made our rack of lamb (from that lamb we bought) so rare I think my mother-in-law would cry. It was DELICIOUS though. Best lamb I have EVER had. We ate it with plenty of roasted pumpkin and garlic-basil mashed potatoes. Phillip said that, with food this good, how are we ever going to find a restaurant better to eat out at? (since we very rarely eat out). I'm not trying to brag, really, but it was the best meal I have ever made. Or the lamb was, at least. Oh, and the lemon brownies we had for dessert. Which I found via pintrest. And have had tremendous success with.

So what have we learned in one year of marriage?

• Phillip has an unhealthy obsession with pancakes. Which is partly ok because I make them pretty excellently, with oatmeal, linseed, and home-ground wholemeal flour.

• NOT taking yourselves seriously all the time really helps, well, a lot of different situations.

• Being honest with yourself first and then with each other helps smooth over a lot of potential (and actual) disagreements and arguments. 

• I am a control freak in the kitchen and I have to leave the room if Phillip is going to make anything.

• Men (or, Phillip) need to be told EXACTLY what is needed or wanted. Hints just don't work. Period.

• We don't always mean what we THINK we're saying. Or what we say isn't what we mean. Asking and clarifying without malice solves a lot of things.

• Talk. A LOT. About anything and everything. Genuine communication really is key to keeping things running smoothly. Even if that's saying "I just need 15 minutes of my own time." or, "thanks for leaving your smelly socks in the laundry room so they don't stink up our room."

• It is O.K. to NOT spend all your free time together. 

• Do things together.

• The need to be romantic never stops. For BOTH of you.

• Every day you CHOOSE to love each other.

• You choose to fight. You can choose to defend your pride or respond to anything hurtful that's said. Or you can choose to show love and not say anything negative or retaliate. Walking away to let things settle down is O.K., as long as you both understand that that is what is going on. Sometimes, you'll realize whatever was making you angry, wasn't all that big a deal.

• Pray for each other.

• Find married couples who seem to have it together. Talk to them. Listen to them. You're not going crazy, what you're experiencing is normal. Or people have had it worse than you.

• Unite over a common enemy if you're fighting with each other. Like the cat who decides to poop in the hallway. 

• Laugh at things. Like the cat who pooped in the hallway. Or nearly burning down the house.

• YOU, as a couple, are more important than anything. More important than family drama, more important than work and money, more important than assembly and church duties, more important than friends.
• It's nice to just be with someone that accepts you for who you are, whether that's slightly crazy, obsessive, slightly controlling, or just plain weird.

• We are both bigger nerds than we let on when we were dating or engaged. It's pretty awesome.

And... that's about it for now. Otherwise I (or we, Phillip has been sharing and laughing over this list with me as I write it) will start to sound superfluous. 

While it hasn't been a terribly hard year of marriage, it's had it's downs. But overall, I'm really looking forward to many more just like it or (hopefully) better.

And, I'm curious, have any of my few readers any advice for the years to come, or things they themselves have learned? Share in the comments if you'd like, we'd love to read them.

Fourth... no, Fifth of July

We had a somewhat belated Independence Day celebration here.

I'm not overly patriotic (though a good rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" will bring tears to my eyes, and no, I'm not going to give up my American citizenship unless someone forces my hand), but I like celebrating. Even a tiny little bit.

But, since the Fourth of July is not a world-wide holiday (though some Americans might be surprised by that), there were no fireworks, special town celebrations, or BBQs to go to. Instead, Phillip and I spent the day (he DID have the day off work, but more because no one was moving) at his parents house splitting more wood to help replace what we take to heat our house, and help clean up all the wood that, well, needs to be split.

And only 84% MEAT! Pork and beef. Mmmmm....

We ended up eating a Fourth feast on the FIFTH of July (though that would have been the Fourth back in America anyway... so if you ignore the whole time-traveling thing, it still counted. And anyway, most towns don't seem to actually set off fireworks or do anything celebratory until the weekend before or the weekend after the Fourth if it falls in the middle of the week).

So we found a new brand of hot dogs to try. They come in a can, and we were somewhat hesitant to try them, but figured they couldn't be that much worse than the ones we'd already eaten. But, I decided to make burgers on top of that, as well as a mountain of baked regular and sweet potato fries, in case the hot dogs were more than we could handle eating.

6 hot dog, 2 burger, and some random little bits to dip in jam.

While my hot dog buns didn't really turn out well for hot dogs, they tasted FANTASTIC (to be fair, the recipe called for potato flakes, which I had none of, so I just used more flour. And I probably used to much butte). Really, all that was wrong with them was they weren't flexible enough to open and hold a hot dog. I didn't care, I'll make them again just to eat with jam they're so yummy. The hot dogs though. Oh my. They're the best we've had so far, I think. Still not a great dog, but really good. Definitely a repeat.

We ate ourselves into oblivion. Fresh baked fries (though I'm now in the habit of calling them chips... assimilation), spicy Tabasco mayo for the sweet potato ones, fresh baked rolls for the dogs and burgers, and watching Psych with the hubby. It was a good night.

This isn't even half the amount of fries I made.
We operate on the thought that one can
never have too many sweet potatoes.

Our one year anniversary is coming up

That was FAST. Today is, in fact, the 11-month mark. Not that we celebrate those month-marks, we just... note that they pass.

But yes, it's been nearly a year since we said "I do", which means it's one month more until I've been living Down Under.

To celebrate we're.... not entirely sure what we're going to do. Both our birthdays fall very close to our anniversary (Phillip's a few weeks before, mine a few days before) so we just decided to simplify things this year and combine gifts for both occasions. Which meant, in our minds, we could spend more on one nice gift that was really wanted/needed, rather than budget for both birthdays and an anniversary.

So Phillip got a Kindle (he's been envious of mine for quite some time) and I got a new camera (since mine was dying). Phillip seems quite taken with his Kindle, and is enjoying looking up free ministry books and turning them into PDFs to put onto his Kindle so he can read them in better form on it's nice e-ink screen instead of looking at the computer or printing out hundreds of pages (he got the Kindle Keyboard, not Kindle Fire, because other Kindles have a screen that is better for your eyes). My camera isn't anything super special. Just a Canon S95, enough like the G10 I loved so much, but compact. Still just a point-and-shoot, but with some pretty nice manual controls, and takes really good photos in low-light conditions (that's about all the playing around and getting used to it I've done as of yet). It's nice. It takes quality photos. And still fits in my pocket so I don't walk around looking like I'm pretending to be a professional photographer.

As for actual celebration, we'll probably end up holding a family and friends get-together for everyone on this side of the globe who didn't get to make it to the wedding. Play the video, go through photos, eat food, hope that our house somehow holds the 50-something people that are on the "invite" list (we have space, just not a lot of seats), that sort of thing.

As you can tell, were not extremely romantic. At least not with what a lot of people would look at as big gestures for important occasions. We have our moments, like pancake breakfasts every Saturday, Brinner (breakfast for dinner) nearly every weekend (when we're not able to do our pancake breakfasts for one reason for another, or just because I make some killer scrambled eggs), walks in the bush, indoor picnics, trips to the beach, or grocery shopping, second-hand shopping, or even just sitting on the floor in front of the fire talking about random stupid things, or really important things with a mug of Milo. No, we don't often do big gestures, but the little ones over the past 11 months have been quite wonderful.